


I Had a Speech

by TheSigyn



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4157241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSigyn/pseuds/TheSigyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I had a speech. I learned it all. Oh, god, she won’t understand, she won’t understand....”<br/>On his way to earn his soul, Spike prepares his speech for when he gets back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Had a Speech

  
    “Hello, Buffy.”

    Oh, god, that’s not gonna work. She’s never going to just sit down and listen. I could – no. No, no, no, you could _not_ tie her up. Okay. “Buffy. Buffy...”

    Balls.

    Okay, just assume she’ll listen. Just catch her patrolling, catch her when she’s alone, that’s when she listens. Not when her Scooby dudes are barking for their snacks.

    “Buffy. I just want you to listen. That’s all. I’m not gonna touch you, I swear to you. You can stand as far back you want. With a stake, that’s okay, whatever it takes. I just want you to listen. I’m sorry.”

    God, that sounds trite. She’s not gonna buy that.

    “I did it for you.”

    No. No.

    “I got something for you. I... I.... You were right.” All right, she might listen to that. “You were right all along. I know you couldn’t love me. I know I didn’t deserve it. I... I proved I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t mean... I didn’t come that night to hurt you. I don’t know what happened, I–” Bollocks, that’s so lame. We both know what happened. “I was going mad.” Like she’ll care. “What would it take to get you to forgive me?” She’ll only say your death, you twat.

    “I got a soul, Buffy.”

    Can you really just drop it on her like that?

    “You deserve the universe. Don’t talk, please, I beg you. Just listen. I’ve been going mad. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. From the first night we really talked, from the moment you invited me in – into your home, into your life, even without trust, I’ve been changing. I wanted you. Not as my victim, I wanted to be like you. I wanted... I wanted to be worthy of you. I fought it for so long, trying to feed my hatred, and it crumbled.

    “And then this chip... this chip... I couldn’t be a monster. But I wasn’t a man, and you made me want to be. You made me want to be... and I was stuck. Stuck between the light and the dark, in the shadows, in between, and I couldn’t find my place, and the only one... the only one who ever seemed to walk in the shadows with me was you. And then you joined me there, and the shadows were like a garden, and my every fiber was singing with you, and I was alive. I was truly alive, you made me alive, you made me a man.

    “You made me work for it. I had to fight to keep up, and there were times I felt like your victim, like you were eating me alive, but I didn’t care. Because I _was_ alive. So long as I was with you, I was alive. And then you left, because I was killing you – I have to believe you were right about that, I was killing you. I was sucking out your life without ever touching your blood. I believe you, because you made me so alive. It must have come from somewhere. But when you left... when you left, it killed _me_. I was so alone, I wanted to die.

    “I came to you that night because... because I couldn’t not. I knew you loved me. You _had_ to love me, you couldn’t make me so alive without loving me. You just didn’t want to, and I knew what that was like. I didn’t want to love you, either. God, it hurt so much. I would have rathered you killed me straight out. And I just... I lost control. It wasn’t even lust, it was _need_. I was dying.”

    Oh, god, she’ll turn on you if you bring it up. Out of my head, don’t think about it. _Please, please, Spike, please!_ Oh, god, I’m sorry.

    No. Get back to the point.

    “The point is, I’ve changed, Buffy. You proved to me, I needed to change. You proved I wasn’t worthy. I found a legend, I found a demon, and I made him give me back my soul. So you see, I’m not the same. I did this for you, I got this for you, so that you could forgive me. No, no, listen, you forgave Angel! He murdered your friends, he tortured your watcher, he tormented you for months, and you forgave _him_! Snuggling and hugging and pretending to be just friends, I saw it, you forgave him. I lost control, and I did... I did that, I did. But you stopped me. I didn’t try again, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do it in the first place, I just... what do you want from me? I’m a demon, for gods sake! Holding you, breathing in your scent, your blood racing, your teeth feeding on my flesh, and I left you alive, and do you know how hard that was sometimes? But I love you. I love you. God, I love you.”

    Just calm down. She’ll never listen to all that.

    “Buffy.”

    No.

    “Buffy.”

    Just breathe.

    “Buffy Summers. I’m back. You wouldn’t believe me if I just said I was sorry. But I need you to forgive me, or I’m nothing. So a found a way to earn my soul back. For you. Look into my eyes, love. Look into my eyes, and see how much I love you. I’ll do anything. I’ll wait as long as you need. I lay this soul at your feet... and I beg you. I beg you to forgive me.”

    Not poetry, but it’ll do. God, it’s gonna be hard.

    I almost hope the damn thing kills me, first.  
   


End file.
